Too Close
by Meredith McGarrett
Summary: 11x24 You're My Home Meredith listens to Derek's text message. This is about what she feels when she listens to it, reliving everything that has happened. Also, Amelia and Meredith finally start talking about what happened a year ago even if it's painful...
1. Chapter 1

**Too Close**

* * *

 **I remember once in school someone saying I came from a broken home. That's what they used to call it when your parents got divorced, even though getting divorced was the least broken they ever did.**

 **When I heard that as a kid, I wondered if broken homes were where broken people lived. It was silly, I mean I was just a little kid.**

 **But, to this day I still wonder.**

 **You can build a house out of anything, make it as strong as you want, but a home, a home is more fragile than that.**

 **A home is made of the people you fill it with and people can be broken, sure, but any surgeon knows what's broken can be mended, what's hurt can be healed, that no matter how dark it gets, the sun's gonna rise again.** Meredith Grey; You're My Home

* * *

Meredith stared at her old phone. She was sitting on her and Derek's bed and kept staring at the phone she held in her hand. She knew there was one voicemail on it, only one. It was from Derek. But she just couldn't bring herself to listen to it. It was just too hard. Everything was just so hard without him. She couldn't press 'play'. She would cry for sure. Like she did when Amelia confronted her but she knew she needed to listen to this message. Derek's final message was her key to get peace. "Oh, god, Derek, I miss you." She murmured silently, looking down at the phone. Derek couldn't hear her, he was dead. But she missed him anyway. But she had Zola, Bailey and Ellis. And even Amelia and Maggie were there for her, Alex too. She had a strong support group … she knew that but she still missed Derek every day. He was – is – the love of her life. It has been a rough day and it was about to get even more rough.

"Okay, Mer. You can do this." She said to herself, her feet tapping against the floor, nervously.

Her finger hovered over the button 'play'. She knew it would be hard to hear his voice after such a long time. She tried to get herself together but if wanted to move on, to actually start moving on, keeping on living, she needed this – closure. She stared at the date. The date reads March 26, 2015. That's when he tried to call her and she didn't pick because she was busy getting to work. Meredith shook her head in confusion. That wouldn't have changed anything anyways.

Derek still would be dead and she'd just have a memory of him talking to her.

She wanted to go back to the time when Derek was still alive. She needed more time with Derek, just like Ellis felt about Richard. But it only keeps going on faster and faster and you can't get off. There is no more time. But you can't go back, you can't press pause. Then she just pressed it and it his voice filled the room. Her heart began to beat erratically and she needed take a few deep breaths. When she finally was able to press 'play' she closed her eyes for a moment.

 _"_ _Hey, it's me. I'm on the ferry."_

When Meredith heard Derek's voice she felt tears rolling down her cheeks and she breathed in sharply, she shuddered slightly when she heard his voice. His voice, her dead husband's voice – this was Derek's voice. But it was only on a voicemail, not in real. She wanted his voice to be real, telling her everything would be okay. But that wasn't possible. Derek was dead and he was never coming back, not ever. Now it got so real. She tried to hold back sobs that were threatening to escape. This was like recalling memories, only worse. She heard his voice although he is not …

 _"_ _I just wanted to say that, um ..."_

 _"_ _God, I wish you could see this. Weather's classic Seattle. Oh, the water is so blue. It may be the most perfect ferryboat ride I've ever had in my life."_

Yeah, I do too, Meredith thought silently, a tear escaping her eyes. If that meant I could be with you, just one more moment with you, Derek. It's all I want. Meredith wiped her tears away but they just kept flowing down her cheeks. She imagined them being red and tear-stained. She wanted to be with him, the pain that something in her life was missing couldn't get more obvious. She missed Derek, she missed him so much. She didn't want to spend her life without him but now the circumstances are forcing her to.

 _"_ _We're gonna do this a lot more when I get home, by the way... you, me, and the family. We're just gonna take a day and... Ride the ferryboat... all day if we want."_

She would have to do that with the kids. She needed to do that, maybe Amelia would accompany them, she was family too.

 _"_ _I love you, Meredith."_ Thank you for saying it, Derek. But she knew it, otherwise he wouldn't have considered resigning from this job. Maybe if he hadn't resigned, he'd still be alive. But that were all maybes and no definites. "I love you, too, Derek. More than you can imagine." She whispered, tears running down her cheeks, she was relieved that she was alone in this moment.

In this moment, she felt Derek next to her. She remembered the best moments in their story. Moments she'd never forget, at least not willingly …

 _"_ _I know I just left, and I'm not even at the airport yet, but I just wanted to say... I love you. I love our family. And we're gonna keep doing this."_

It was hard to listen to this message when the memories are like knives cutting into her heart and ripping it to pieces. But this was part of the process. She is supposed to be feeling those things.

 _"_ _I'll see you when I get home."_

When she heard those words, she couldn't hold it back any longer. This was it. He was not coming home. 'I see you when I get home' would never become reality. He would never see her when he gets home because he won't ever get home and that is what makes it so final. Derek Shepherd was dead and he was not going to come back. And before she knew what she was doing she was crying. She finally allowed her tears to flow, to let her emotions get set free and to feel the pain that Derek Shepherd's death had caused her.

It was normal, she was supposed to be feeling it – grief, loss and pain. She needed to feel it …

* * *

 **"** **You're supposed to be feeling it... Grief, loss, pain.**

 **It is normal.**

 **We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it's not normal. We're supposed to feel. We're supposed to love and hate...**

 **And hurt and grieve and break and...**

 **Be destroyed and... Rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That's... That's being alive.**

 **That's the point.**

 **That's the entire point."** Owen Hunt; She's Leaving Home

* * *

 _"_ _I love you."_

He loves her.

That only resulted in Meredith crying harder.

All that pain was coming up, was now surfacing. And it was nearly unbearable. Meredith still had Derek's voice in her head, playing it over in her head. That was all she could do. She'd give anything to be able to talk and laugh and argue with him for real … She'd give anything to be able to do those things. That's when the voicemail ended. Meredith was now crying, really letting go. All suppressed emotions surfaced and she finally broke down for the second time.

Only this time it wasn't in a supply closet. Meredith breathed heavily, she was trying to compose herself …

Getting it together but it just didn't seem like she could. She couldn't stop crying. After another twenty minutes she'd calmed down enough to feed Ellie who woke up and appeared to be hungry. Zola and Bailey were playing with blocks in the living room, Alex agreed to watch them so Meredith can have some time for herself.

Meredith went over to her baby girl's room and held her against her chest so that she can feel her heart beating. It calmed her and soon, after she was fed, she fell asleep. Meredith looked at her sleeping daughter.

She reminded her of Derek. When she looks in her face she sees him and her and it gives her hope. Derek would live on in their children. But unfortunately, Ellie would never meet her daddy. But at least, Meredith could tell her that her father wanted her. He wanted a third baby and that was Ellie. He would never meet her. Ellie looked at Meredith with big baby blue eyes, she had her father's eyes. "Hey, Ellie, looks like you're awake." Meredith cooed and reached for Ellie's stuffed animal, the one that she really likes. "Here, look what I have …" Meredith enjoyed that time with her youngest daughter. It was a gift that Derek left her, he left a piece of him in her and that piece was now lying in her arms.

Her thoughts wander back to Derek.

He'd told her to wait for him and she will do that, waiting for him.

They'll be reunited when she dies with 110 years, after raising three beautiful children who maybe will have children on their own. She would have to make the best out of a bad situation. She will continue to wait for him the rest of her life. That way she has to believe that there is some place where she will meet him again to get their happily ever after, if that's even possible.

She has Zola, Bailey and Ellie, also her Grey Sloan colleagues and friends, Amelia and Maggie. She had people here. A support group and that is what keeps her moving forward. She'll concentrate on her family and her research. She'll put this to good use. Maybe she should become a neurosurgeon.

She'd always been interested in neurosurgery.

Maybe that would be a good idea.

So she can live up to Derek's legacy. Yeah, maybe she should get double-board certified. One in general surgery and one in neurosurgery. That sounds like a good plan. Maybe she should talk to Amelia about that, or Alex since he has become her new person. She needed him in order to make such a decision. And Amelia, since she is the head of the neuro department, Meredith thought about what Derek would say to a decision like that. Would he support her? Maybe. She'd always shown great potential in neurosurgery. But back to the voicemail: Amelia needed to hear it.

The voicemail.

It was from her brother, she deserved to hear it. She needed to give this phone Amelia. She'd want to hear this voicemail. He was her brother after all, she owed her this. So the next time she would catch Amelia alone, she'd give her the phone.

* * *

"I have something for you." Meredith addressed Amelia as they were standing both at the nurses' station.

Amelia looked at her sister in law, waiting for her to continue. Meredith reached into the pocket of her lab coat and took out a cell phone. She laid it on the counter and told Amelia that it's her old phone.

"It has one voicemail on it. Password is 1515." Meredith told her and turned to leave. Amelia glanced over at the phone. It was clear that the voicemail is from Derek. Amelia swallowed and eyed the phone suspiciously. Then Meredith left but before she disappeared, she turned around and said: "And make sure you're alone when you listen to it." Amelia stared at her for a moment. This was about Derek. She felt it. Amelia looked at the phone for a moment and then put it in her lab coat pocket. Now wasn't the time. Later was better.

Next stop was the attendings' lounge but even there was stress between two persons as it seems. Meredith watched them for a moment, the way they interacted with each other clearly told her that something was going on. "What is the matter with you two?" Meredith asked, noticing the tension that was palpable. So she decided to step in, to do something about it. She started playing the dead husband card. "My husband is dead. Yeah, I'm gonna play that card. You." She looked at Richard. "You walked away from Ellis, never got to be with her, and now she's dead. Adele is dead." She started and then her gaze wandered over to Catherine Avery. "And you... I don't know who is dead for you. But the both of you are very, very much alive and breathing and driving each other crazy. And you yell and argue and fight, and you both should be thrilled to be able to do those things." She said and paused. "I would give anything to be able to do those things. And none of those things are reason enough to not be with the person that you love, especially when there just isn't enough." She looked between those two and repeated with a shaky voice: "There will never be enough time. And you both know that. So whatever it is that that's coming between you two, will you just please figure it out? Figure it out." With that she left the room.

The wedding wasn't cancelled. Richard Webber and Catherine Avery got their things together and got married. The ceremony was taking place at Meredith's house. Meredith was looking for her sister. She wanted to find out what is going on with her. She's been acting strange since she's got that mysterious phone call. Maybe someone of her family died or something. Meredith went out of the terrace and saw Maggie sitting there on a wooden bench, looking into the night sky. "Hey, what is wrong?" Meredith asked as she walked outside, seeing Maggie crying.

"And don't say you're fine." Meredith said, wanting to help her, whatever it is. It is what family is for. "I'm fine." She got as an answer. It looks like they're not so different after all. Maggie was the doing the 'I'm fine'-thing apparently too. "What, did someone die?" Meredith asked concerned.

Maggie exhaled sharply before attempting to answer her sister's question.

"My parents are getting a divorce. My mom called and told me today. She's been having an affair with the man that services their cars... For 11 years. He's been servicing their cars and my mom. And my dad found out about it years ago, and he was enraged, and he stuck with it for me, because I was... I was still in town. I was always around. You know, so they held it together for the kid. Classic. Except the kid's a grown woman. They wanted to preserve my... happy, idyllic... pathetic, crap-filled lie of a childhood!"

It was clear that Maggie had cried. Meredith came nearer and sat down on the bench next to her sister.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Meredith reacted to Maggie who finally revealed why she acted like that, she hadn't expected to hear that. "I... Your husband died, and I am crying like a 7-year-old over mommy and daddy. I... I didn't grow up like you. I... I've never lost anyone. I never even had a cat die. I still have all my grandparents. There's no darkness in my life. Just, I've never had it. So I-I'm not gonna come talk to you about it." She confessed. "Well, you should always come talk to me..." Meredith started to give advice. "Because whatever it is, chances are, I've seen worse, and I am qualified to tell you how you'll survive. You should always come and talk to me." She smiled at her younger sister. Maggie leaned her head against Meredith's shoulder as Meredith said: "Welcome to the family." From that moment on, Maggie was part of the family.

* * *

Amelia sat on Meredith and Derek's bed.

She was alone, like Meredith told her. Meredith's old phone was in her hands.

She wanted to listen to Derek's message but she can't bring herself to hit 'play'. Just like Meredith couldn't bring herself to do this … Then the door opened and Owen was there.

"Sorry, I was just …" He apologized as he recognized Amelia sitting there, tensely and looking at a phone in her hand. "You're alright?" Owen asked as Amelia didn't budge. "I just need to listen to message and I cannot bring myself to hit 'play'." She explained. Owen entered the room and closed the door. He sat down next to her, his hand hovering over the button and when Amelia didn't stop him he hit 'play' for her. It's a message from Derek on the ferry. Owen wants to give Amelia some privacy, but she stops him. Amelia breathed in deeply when she heard Derek's message. When it stopped, Amelia was silently crying. Hearing Derek's voice set emotions free but she was okay, she really was.

"You okay?" Owen asked worriedly. Amelia Shepherd smiled under tears as she looked Owen in the eyes. She was okay, for the first time in months, she was okay. She looked away as she answered: "Yeah." Then she repeated it for a second time. "Yeah, I am." She smiled at Owen. Their hands touched and suddenly, Amelia was kissing Owen.

Maggie and Meredith sat there on the bench when Amelia walked toward them. Meredith smiled warmly at her, she concluded that Amelia had listened to Derek's message. "What are you crying about?" Amelia asked Maggie. "What are you crying about?" Maggie asked back as Amelia came and sat down next to Maggie.

They stayed silent for a second.

"Derek would have loved this. He came from this big, noisy family. I want this to be my last memory of this house. That's what he wanted, to fill it with noise and people." Meredith started reminiscing about Derek, thinking about the things he loved. Nobody answered, they just looked at the happily dancing people in the house in the woods.

Meredith looked at Amelia and Maggie.

Suddenly, she had an idea.

"Okay." She said and stood up. "We have to dance it out." Amelia looked at her sister-in-law in confusion: "What?" Maggie was confused as well but Meredith wouldn't take no as an answer.

"What does that mean?" Maggie asked but Meredith just pulled Amelia and Maggie up and said cheerfully: "Let's go." They went back into the house and danced it out …

For the first time in a very long time.

The last time she'd done this was when Cristina left for Zurich, together with her. She missed her.

* * *

 _Baby's name is Ellis. Did you see her? She's beautiful._

 _Bet she looks just like you._

 _I didn't think I could do it. Part of me thought, "What if I have this baby and just die?" And then she arrived, and I saw her face, and I saw him in her. She's beautiful._

* * *

In the next morning, Meredith woke up early.

She was tired, yesterday has been a long day. But it was a good day and she made it happen that way. Who knows if they had gotten their shit together if she hadn't said anything to make them realize that that what they have is a precious gift and that they shouldn't waste it since there will never be enough time.

She knows that.

"Morning, Mer. What are you doing here so early in the morning?" Meredith turned around, she hadn't seen Amelia coming into the kitchen.

"Sh, the kids are still asleep. You don't want to wake them." Meredith warned her sister in law and prepared coffee. "Do you want some?" She asked. "Sure." Amelia answered and got herself a cup.

"It was a nice wedding, wasn't it?" Amelia said, breaking the silence.

Meredith didn't answer right away. After some seconds, she said: "Yeah, it was." "How come you and Derek never had a wedding like this? All we got was a call after it happened." Amelia asked, hoping that this wouldn't make Meredith flee in the opposite direction. But at some point, they'd have to talk about Derek. "I am not the kind of girl who likes big weddings. I like it small, Derek and I agreed in that point." Amelia smiled at her.

"I don't have a thing big weddings either."

"We had our own post-it wedding. And you know, it was real for us. We only legalized it sometime in City Hall because of the adoption. But our real wedding was the post-it wedding. We had a real wedding planned but we gave it away to Alex and Izzie. They got married but it didn't work out …" Meredith said while recalling her post-it wedding in the locker room. It had been perfect. Meredith and Derek had five perfect minutes to scribble on a post-it and kiss before they got called into an emergency surgery and they had to operate.

* * *

 **According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can't imagine it's true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves.**

 **Then we bargain.**

 **We beg, we plead, we offer everything we have.**

 **We offer up our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain we fall into depression, despair. Until finally we have to accept that we have done everything we can.**

 **We let go.**

 **We let go and move into acceptance.**

 **In medical school we have a hundred classes that teach us how to fight off death and not one lesson on how to go on living.** Meredith Grey; Good Mourning.

* * *

 _She most just laid there, trying to sleep but she couldn't because the other side of the bed was empty. It would stay empty. Derek was never coming back. She was alone. She would have to learn how to sleep alone. But this is hell, it is hard to do that. She never wanted to have to do that – living without Derek. But now she was forced to. She can't sleep in this bed, in this giant house Derek built for them. She just can't . Every time she closed her eyes she was seeing Derek. She can't breathe. This whole house is a remainder of Derek's existence. She wanted him, dammit. She wanted him to embrace and telling her everything would be fine. But that won't be the case, now that he is dead. In the next morning Meredith was up early. She went downstairs, preparing breakfast for the kids._

 _Amelia held baby Ellis in her arms and entered the kitchen. She smiled at Meredith for a second as she catched her gaze. They exchanged glances. Baby Ellis would be something important for Amelia. That was Derek's daughter. The daughter he wanted and whom he would never met. That hurt._

 _"_ _Look how happy she is. She has no idea what's going to happen to her."_

 _Meredith was standing in the elevator. Bailey was with her, standing next to her. She patted her arm shortly, a comporting gesture that Meredith appreciated. She halfway smiled at Bailey. This was her first day back. After one year she was going to be in an OR again, just … things would be different, way different. The most painful difference is that Derek is dead. He won't ever step into an operating room again, he'd never operate on an open brain again. He won't be able to go fly-fishing. Because he is gone. And nothing will ever change that. All these thoughts were running through her head as she watched all the people leave the elevator in that she and Derek shared so many happy memories. This elevator was the place where he'd proposed, they have a lot memories in here … Most of the people got off. Meredith needed a bit longer, trying to sort her thoughts._

 _Then she took a leap of faith and got off the elevator._ _A few minutes later she was standing in the attendings' lounge, wearing her white coat. Then her gaze wandered through the room, landing on Derek's lab coat. His name was on it. Meredith breathed in deeply and closed her eyes for a moment. This was the moment. She knew his ferryboat scrub cap was in the pocket. That was she can say she is close to him – as close as she can be. Derek loves – loved – the ferryboat scrub cap. He almost wore it every time he stepped into an OR. A sad smile covered her face as she remembered her gorgeous husband. She had many great years with him and that was what she was holding onto. See you around, his voice echoed in her mind. He had said those words the day they scrubbed in on a surgery together, that was when she had her first day as an intern. She'd never imagine that that was where she is now. She needed to believe that she can move forward, being extraordinary as her mother had told her … So she put on the ferryboat scrub cap. *'Seattle has ferries. I like ferries.' 'Ferryboats.' 'Seattle is between two lakes and the Puget Sound. So you kind of need ferryboats.'* She remembered the ferryboat conversation they had in the elevator, first or second day as an intern. So many thing were remembering her. That was why she left in the first place. That and because she didn't want the pity stares and so on when they knew that she was carrying her dead husband's child._

 _It was Meredith's first surgery, Bailey was scrubbing in with her. Meredith was ready. She was getting gowned and gloved. She looked forward to the surgery so she can't be and feel like herself, at least for a little while. She hasn't seen the inside of an OR for a very long time, not as a surgeon anyway. Just as a patient when she had the crash c – section to deliver Ellis. She had been so scared, scared of leaving her children alone … I can do this, move past this. I can do it. I can do it. Meredith thought. Bailey's voice brought her back to reality. She stepped up to the OR table. The patient was already under general anesthesia. So they were ready to start if Meredith was ready to do this. She was. She had her ferryboat scrub cap. Also, deep in her heart she knew Derek would always be with her._

 _"_ _You ready for this, Grey?" She asked as she looked at her former intern. She'd endured so much, when does she ever catch a break? Meredith looked at the general surgeon who is going to assist her today and ordered in a voice that indicated that she was sure ready for this; "Ten blade." She was about to do the first incision as a thought came into her mind. Bailey watched the young surgeon intently. But she hesitated to make the first cut. She looked up and said: "It's a beautiful day to save lives. Let's have some fun." That was Derek's line. But Meredith always loved it. And then she made the cut. She was back._

* * *

"Have you already decided about the house. What are you gonna do with it?" Amelia asked. "Just tell me if I have start looking for a new apartment." "I am still weighing the options. I am not sure about selling it. I have think about what I am gonna do with this house – the house that Derek built for us, for our family and now he is just gone." Amelia just looked at her for a moment. "Are you … you know, sure about selling it? Because he built this for you, he wanted you to have this house even if he isn't here anymore."

"I know. I know. It's hard. All this is hard."

Meredith avoided to look at Amelia.

"This is an unbelievably painful decision, a decision I never thought I would have to make, I never wanted to make … He was coming back and suddenly, there's an accident and the next thing you know is that you're in a podunk doctors who haven't been able to save …"

"This house reminds me of everything I lost. He's here or more his memories are here. We have lived here as an actual family. He is type of guy who asks you about tub/sink relationships when planning to build a house even if you don't actually care about the tub/sink relationship at all. But Derek had been that kind of guy. She missed his dreamy smile, his piercing blue eyes, scrubbing in with him. Everything, she missed everything about him.

That is why she is wearing his scrub cap when scrubbing in.

That way she can feel close to him.

* * *

 _If something should happen to me, I don't want it just to be you._

 _Well, we'd make pretty babies._

 _So you're thinking about it._

 _Oh, I'm thinking about it._

* * *

 _You're **anything** than ordinary, Meredith!_

* * *

Meredith smiled at her daughter as she climbed into bed.

"How about we read goodnight story and then we close our eyes and sleep …" Meredith had a good day.

She'd spent part of it in the operating room and another part with her and Derek's kids. She loved spending time with them, reading them goodnight stories.

It was something that her mother had never done.

"I am not tired." Zola immediately protested. After they did that, Meredith kissed her daughter on the forehead before tugging her in. "Good night, sweetie. I love you." She smiled. "I love you too, Mommy. You too, Daddy." Meredith's breath caught in her chest. Her daughter has reached acceptance. Before that, she always asked when Daddy's coming home.

But now she has accepted that he won't come back. That he is gone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Too Close Part 2**

* * *

 **The dictionary defines grief as keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.**

 **As surgeons, as scientists, we're taught to learn from and rely on books, on definitions, on definitive.**

 **But in life, strict definitions rarely apply. In life, grief can look like a lot of things that bear little resemblance to sharp sorrow. Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.**

* * *

Meredith just stood there on the front porch after putting her kids to bed. It has been a long day. She didn't hear Amelia coming toward her. So she flinched when she heard footsteps near her. She turned around and recognized her sister in law walking over to her, quietly.

"Thanks." Amelia suddenly said as she appeared next to Meredith who stared into the sky.

It was almost dark, both women were standing on the front porch and stared in the darkness. For a while, no one said anything. They just stood there, each of them had a cup of coffee in their hand.

Meredith shot a side glance at her sister in law.

"For what?" She asked then.

"For giving me the phone. For letting me hear the message. I needed that, hearing his voice again." Amelia said, referring to the voicemail message Derek left on Meredith's phone. Meredith smiled warmly, embracing the feeling of being finally at home. "He loves us." Meredith suddenly said.

"Even though he will be back … he thought he would come back. He had no idea how this would turn out. I should have come with him. Maybe then …" She shook her head. She had her people here, even with Derek dead, she knew she survived it. "It was the least I could do." She replied.

"I am … It wasn't right to yell at you like that." Amelia said, referring to the supply closet confrontation. "It was, Amelia. It was." Meredith cut her off. She understood where her sister in law was coming from.

"You need these answers in order to move on and live your life and so on. In this moment I was not thinking straight. But when I signed those papers, I wasn't myself. I was not myself, not the conscious me you know. I was in shock."

"Who wouldn't be?" Amelia interjected silently. Meredith nodded and continued: "I've seen his chart. I demanded that they hand me the chart so that I can see for myself what they did. They never did a head CT although he had a head laceration." Meredith bit her lip, it was hard to talk about those things but at some point they would have to talk about it. Amelia's lip trembled.

 _I miss you, Derek._

 _So much that it hurts every time I think of you ..._

 _Why did you have to leave so soon ..._

 _I know you haven't had much choice in that matter but that doesn't change the fact that I miss you horribly._

 _Every day, every minute ... I just have to believe there is something like heaven so we can meet again._

 _There just has to be ..._

 _And you're waiting for me. 'Wait for me'._

 _I will, Derek._

 _I will._

"Even after all these months, I still think he comes around the next corner. I never thought I'd have to do it without him. He was always there, he showed me what real love is like." Meredith said, looking away and she was trying to recall happy memories of her and Derek. A time where they had no problems, where they were happy – why did this accident kill him? Why him? The universe is seriously fucked up, as if it was mocking her, screwing with her.

Amelia's thoughts were about Derek and why they didn't do a scan.

She would have done one, as precaution if they patient had a head lac. Stupid podunk hospital. "Not doing a head CT when the patient presents with a head lac. That's pretty irresponsible." Amelia said.

"Maybe then he could have been saved."

 _Maybe ..._

"If they had thought about doing a head CT. That's like med school 101." She shook her head.

"Can you believe this? If they had caught it in time, he wouldn't have been dead right now. Ellis would have had a daddy that was here. It's something that could have been prevented, his death could have been prevented." Meredith nodded as realization hit Amelia.

* * *

 _"_ _I do not have time for coffee. I do not have time for meetings. I don't... My job is not to make you feel better about me. My job is to make my patients get better. Do you know what can happen in the hour or two I would be wasting with you?_

 _An hour or two matters!_

 _They matter to me. They should matter to you._

 _They matter to my patients. If I leave and my patient dies, it's not me who will suffer, it is his mother, his sisters, his friends, his wife, and they will hate me._

 _With everything inside them, they will hate me and you and everyone here because they won't understand why he is gone, why people always leave, why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from your world without warning, without reason, in convenience stores and plane crashes and podunk hospitals with podunk doctors who don't do what they are supposed to do, which is save people!" Amelia freaked out on Richard who was just trying to help._

 _All the nurses and other staff were looking at what happened._

* * *

"I understand why you left when you left." Amelia said.

Meredith's head shot up as she looked at the neurosurgeon. She looked at the neurosurgeon before responding to that statement. Amelia looked at her, keeping on a straight face and not letting on what she was really feeling.

"You do?" Meredith asked back, surprised that Amelia understood why she left after the funeral and so. His presence was everything, remainders of his existence … they were all here – haunting her. Meredith looked at her sister in law. There were so many things she didn't know about her. And that Amelia didn't know about her. Amelia nodded. But before she had the chance to continue, both of their pagers beeped loudly.

Meredith flinched at the mere sound.

"Apparently, we have to get back to work."

Both surgeons reached for their pagers. "Chances are this is some major accident that'll take forever. I'll get the kids." Meredith said and went upstairs. She didn't like the fact that the kids will spend the night in daycare or more, the rest of the night. Amelia just nodded. When they arrived at the hospital, there were dozens of patients and more to come.

"Holy mother of …" Amelia exclaimed.

"This is going to be a long, long night." Meredith stated. "I think you're about right." Before Meredith knew what was happening to her, she was called over to a patient that was being wheeled in.

"34 year old male, crashed his car into a pole. Closed head injury. Increased intracranial pressure, GCS is 6. He was hypotensive en route." The paramedic stated the facts.

„Clear a trauma bay right now." Meredith ordered.

"Are there any residents available?" She asked a nurse that was passing by. "No, Wilson is with Torres and Edwards is busy with teaching her new interns how not to kill a patient." Meredith just nodded, a simple yes or no would have been enough. "Make sure CT is on standby. If there's a bleed or something and I need to go in, I want the OR prepped and ready the minute I know what we're dealing with." Meredith commanded.

"Of course, doctor." The nurse quickly replied and contacted OR. Meredith was in the trauma room, trying to stabilize the patient, but she couldn't get his blood pressure up.

"Is there any ID on him, if yes, can you please inform the family?" She added.

„We need to consult general. His abdomen is rigid. Page Dr. Bailey, I am going to need all the help I can possibly get. And then get him to CT." Meredith constructed, while testing the patient's pupil reaction. Before the doctors could do anything the patient started crashing. The heartbeat became more and more irregular and monitor signaled with a rapid and erratically tone that the patient had gone into ventricular fibrillation. "Damn it." She muttered, before shouting.

"I need a crash cart now."

A nurse immediately responded. She handed the paddles over to Meredith.

„Charge to 200. Clear."

She shocked the patient once, but he didn't respond, neither to the first round of ACLS drugs or to the shock. "Charge again." Meredith pressed the paddles to the patient's chest. "Clear." The next shock sent the patient's body flying upwards and back on the gurney. After three rounds they were able to revive him. "We really need to get a CT done. Okay, move."They released the brakes and were on their way down to CT.

Dr. Miranda Bailey waited for them in CT.

"What do we have?" She asked as Meredith entered the viewing room. "MVC, he suffered traumatic brain injury and possible abdominal injuries, that´s why we paged you. We are still waiting for the images to come up." Meredith answered. After a while the images were up. "Damn, he's suffered major trauma to his abdomen. Grade IV liver lac." Bailey said.

"Well, that's not all. What can you see, Dr. Grey?" Amelia directed to Meredith, who studied the monitor carefully, before answering: "Epidural hematoma."

"Well, then let's get him to an OR, before he bleeds out."

In this moment, Amelia was paged for another consult. "Page me if there are any complications. I go in as soon as possible. Now I have an open skull fracture to get to. I have OR 5 if you need me." Amelia rushed away. Meredith had a bad feeling about waiting with the head surgery.

It's what they did with Derek and that ended fatal.

The surgeons rushed the patient to the OR, but there weren´t any ORs. "How come there is no OR available. I have an emergency craniotomy or my patient will die." Meredith was furious, once again she was acting Medusa-like. The nurse stuttered helplessly: "I can´t do anything about it."

Meredith rolled her eyes in agitation.

"Well, bump any non-emergent patients. Clear the OR rotation now and maybe someone just started operating. Maybe they can close up until further notice. I don´t care, just get me a damn OR." The nurse nodded and reached for the phone. "That seemed to work. What is the surgical plan?" Dr. Bailey commented.

"We're starting with the liver lac." Meredith said in reply.

The nurse interrupted with a "OR 2 is ready for you guys." "Okay, let's go. You've heard her, we got an OR."

They rushed the patient into surgery.

* * *

 **It isn't just death we have to grieve.**

 **It's life.**

 **It's loss.**

 **It's change.**

 **And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.**

 **By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.**

 **So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.**

* * *

Meredith and Bailey were scrubbing in on the same patient. Meredith was lost in thoughts and Bailey saw that.

"Grey." She said her name. When Meredith didn't react, she repeated it a bit louder. This time, Meredith flinched. "Grey, are you okay?" She asked. Meredith only nodded before entering the operating room. The patient was already under general anesthesia.

Meanwhile, Bailey entered the OR, saying: "Let's save this man's life today, shall we, Grey?" Bailey said.

Meredith ordered: "Scalpel." She was making the first incision. The patient went briefly unstable in the middle of surgery. "What the hell is going on?" Bailey asked as the patient was bradying down and the blood pressure went up. His heartbeat was only in the forties and falling.

This was not good.

Meredith knew Amelia had inserted a device that is measuring the intracranial pressure that was now going through the roof which was bad.

"I think the ICP's through the roof. Check the pupils. If blown, page Shepherd right now." Meredith called out as she stared intently at the monitor. Her heart was beating in her chest.

Bailey looked up in realization.

"Crap."

 _This is not supposed to be happening._

 _Not today of all days._

"That's what …" Meredith stopped mid-sentence. Her saying this won't help this patient. She hoped Amelia would be here soon. She wanted to spare the family the fate she suffered. "Where is she? I paged the minutes ago." Meredith was getting impatient. The patient was at risk of herniating and then dying.

Where the hell is Amelia?

Where the freaking hell is Amelia Shepherd? She is supposed to be coming to the 'rescue'.

Meredith had her paged her minutes ago. "With every minute we wait we risk more and more brain damage. Maybe he'll end up …" Meredith exhaled deeply before continuing.

"… braindead. So page Amelia Shepherd again."

Dr. Bailey watched the facial movements of her colleague. It was obvious that she tried to regain the much needed distance. This was reminding her of what she went through with Derek. "Right away, doctor." The nurse said and did it. But Amelia did not answer her page, not even after a few minutes passed. This was not good. They were squandering time, valuable time that can decide whether a patient lived or died. "Call OR 5, see if you can reach her." But after the nurse hang up, she said: "Shepherd's not available. She is busy with her skull fracture patient." Meredith sighed before asking for Shadow Shepherd. "Is Shadow Shepherd available?"

"Nelson isn't either. So what do …"

"… we want to do in order to prevent his brain from herniating." Meredith completed. Bailey looked at her. "I can do it." Meredith suddenly said. She could, actually. Derek had taught her well. She believed she could do this and save this patient's life. He deserved that shot.

"Grey, we have to wait for neurosurgery. That is protocol." Bailey said.

"I know that the whole waiting thing makes you crazy but we have no choice. It's protocol, hospital policies." "You won't go by telling me about hospital policies, Bailey. You are not a 'by the book' – person, you are a 'do what's right' – person. In fact, you know this is the best shot. Let's give him the best shot. He deserves it. _He_ deserved it."

 _He_ deserved the best shot.

But he never got it.

Bailey looked at her former intern in confusion. "You were talking in past tense." She stated.

"Are you okay? Emotions can cloud judgment." Meredith gaped at her for a moment. "No, I am okay, I don't lack judgment. But this patient is not. His intracranial pressure is rising with the very second. I can change that by doing crash burr holes. Maybe that'll give us time to figure out what to do. It's also possibly we'll have to opt for a craniotomy. Fact is when we do nothing, this patient will die. Maybe he won't code but his brain will die and then he is dead although he isn't."

Meredith continued to stare at the numbers.

The normal ICP is between 5 - 15 mmHg. And not as high as this.

"You're talking about …"

Miranda was fairly sure Meredith was talking about the neurosurgeon, her Derek, who has lost his life after saving four people in a car wreck and ending up in a second accident. The universe is really ironic that way.

"I am. But this has nothing to do with this. My medical instincts are telling me that we have to do something – before this patient dies." Bailey didn't respond. Part of her knew that the doctor was right but she couldn't bring herself over to cave. Meredith had no intention of giving up. That patient's life depended on her. This was like the doctor who should have fought harder to make her superior get a head CT but gave in – signing Derek's death sentence by doing that.

Meredith wouldn't let that happen to that guy.

She would make sure of that.

"I do it. I do the craniotomy. I learned from the best. I can manage a simple craniotomy on my own." Meredith said, knowing exactly what she wanted to do. Bailey's face showed surprise. She was bewildered by the young doctor's decision.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" She asked. Meredith didn't answer.

"You know what the alternative is? Waiting an hour and a half for the neurosurgeon and then it's too late and the family has to decide whether to unplug him or ship him off to a long-term care facility … I want to spare them that fate. Let me try. I learned from Derek, spent most of my residency in neurosurgery." Meredith could do this. She was the only one available."Webber said that that's how we get things done at night. So go with it. Maybe I'll even have to do a trauma flap. But I am confident I am able to do this. Amelia's stuck in surgery and so is Nelson, the other neuro guy."

 _Aka Shadow Shepherd._

* * *

 **The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.**

 **The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away.**

 **There are five stages of grief.**

* * *

"What procedure are we going to do?" Dr. Bailey asks, interrupting the nagging silence. Meredith was a competent and qualified surgeon but her specialty was general surgery not neurosurgery. She'd left neuro as a result of swapping a placebo with the actual drug for the Chief's wife.

 _Okay then it's easy. We just don't work together. I am leaving neuro. This is my consequence._

Everyone in the OR was quiet.

They know the importance of being quiet. Their patient's life could depend on it.

"Craniotomy is what I am gonna do. Are you finished up with treating the abdominal bleeders 'cause if that is the case you can assist me." Meredith replied, taking her place by the head of the patient, preparing to open him up.

She closed her eyes for a moment before starting. She inhaled and exhaled slowly.

She opened her up and removed her skull flap. Surgical evacuation constitutes definitive treatment of this condition. Craniotomy is followed by evacuation of the hematoma, coagulation of bleeding sites, and inspection of the Dura. The Dura is then tented to the bone and, occasionally, epidural drains are employed for as long as 24 hours. Craniotomy is the surgical removal of part of the bone from the skull to expose the brain. Specialized tools are used to remove the section of bone called the bone flap.

She wished Derek was here, looking over her shoulder, assuring her everything'll be alright.

The bone flap is temporarily removed, then replaced after the brain surgery has been performed.

She was about to localize the bleeder in order to evacuate it. An hour into the surgery Meredith enforcedly performed, the patient's condition suddenly changes abruptly. His condition took yet another dive downwards. Meredith had barely started to evacuate the hemorrhage when the patient suddenly began to get unstable again.

Meredith's heart beats hollowly in her chest, she is barely able to keep herself together. When the surgeon hears the alarming sound of the cardiac monitor indicating irregularities in her patient's heartbeat, she looks up, her eyes fixating on the monitor that was beeping irregularly.

"Her ICP has reached incrasingly high levels." Meredith exclaimed, her voice scared and terrified.

"So what do you do?" Bailey asked. Meredith turned all her attention toward the patient, she was racking her brain for some solution that wouldn't just kill the patient.

"Grey, time is running out. You need to tell us what to do. You're the lead surgeon on this case which means you're the one who is supposed to te ..."

"Will everyone just shut up?!" Meredith interrupted whoever was speaking. "I need to think and this is not helping."

"I knew this surgery was a mistake." Meredith just ignored that comment. There was no time for self doubt.

These seconds decide. Every single person in this OR knew this.

"Push of mannitol. It reduce the pressure ... hopefully." Meredith ordered, she stayed calm even under this amount of stress and it wasn't even her specialty. "... and prevent of further swelling." Bailey finished the sentence for her. Meredith looked over to the general surgeon, before she focused back on the surgical field. There was an open brain in front of her. This was not the time to get distracted by anything. Mannitol is effective because it do not cross the blood-brain barrier (much), and thereby draws cerebrospinal fluid out of the cranium and fluid out of the injured brain, reducing pressure and further injury.

Luckily, the mannitol really helped. After a while the patient's vital signs stabilized and even the intracranial pressure went back to a normal range. Meredith breathed a sigh of relief.

"You did it, Grey." Bailey smiled under her scrub cap.

In this moment, someone entered the OR, Meredith didn't bother to look up. "Meredith?" A voice asked. "What ..." She continued, baffled by what she was looking at. Meredith now did look up and in Amelia Shepherd's face. "They've told me you need me in this OR ..." She said.

Yeah, she did ask for consult **_hours_ ** ago.

"But it seems like you've got it under control here." She said after stepping nearer and watching Meredith's precise moves with the instruments. It was clear that she studied under Derek.

* * *

When Meredith and Bailey scrubbed out, the were greeted by an infuriated Owen Hunt. "Did I hear that correctly?" He asked, looking toward Meredith. Who looked at him. Why should she feel guilty? For saving a life? Doesn't that sound weird to you too? She saved a man's life. Why was everyone ... freaking out because of it. Yeah, liability and all ... But what the heck, the patient's alive, and stable. Not brain dead. Not like Derek. Damn it, why does everything remind her of Derek? "Why the hell are you operating on this patient's brain without informing neuro?"

"If we hadn't the patient would have ended up brain dead for sure. And I don't want to be telling that to the family if we could have done something to prevent it."

 _Brain dead. Like Derek._

"We did but nobody else was available. I was the only one. I am not letting this man die just because the neuro consult needed one and half hour to get here. Because time matters. It can decide whether a patient lives or dies or ends up a vegetable." Meredith defended her actions.

Should she have let the patient die while waiting for neurosurgery to answer to page instead of performing a procedure that could end up saving him - she knew how to do a simple craniotomy ...

Derek had taught her. Among other things. Medical things but not only medical things.

"It was the right decision." Amelia cut in. "She is right. She did exactly what I would have done. She was me in there." She shot Meredith a look, smiled at her almost invisibly. Meredith waited for Owen to continue his rant but instead, he just shook his head and said resignedly: "Fine. I won't do anything if Ame ... if Dr. Shepherd agrees with your approach." Amelia tried to catch his gaze but failed. Owen turned around after saying that.

Without another word, Owen left, leaving Meredith and Bailey standing there, obviously confused. "So ..." Amelia looked over to Meredith. "Now you take Derek's place and steal my surgeries?" She joked (although that it wasn't funny, it had been an emergency). "Uh, no choice." Meredith replied.

"Okay, guys, I am leaving now." Dr. Bailey saw in this a chance to disappear.

"He would have ended up like ..." She didn't finish that sentence. But the case today ... it changed her. It was like she was Derek in there. Why did she leave neuro in the first place, oh yes, the trial but ... She wanted to operate on brains.

 _... like Derek._

Amelia only nodded.

Her sister in law did the right thing. Both of them went toward the attendings' lounge only to be greeted by a very loud conversation.

"You kicked ass, Meredith. You saved that guy's life. Derek would have been proud."

Meredith smiled faintly.

"Oh, have you heard?" Callie said smirking idiotically. Maggie was there too, and listening to the conversation. "No, I have not. What is it I haven't heard?" Maggie wanted to know what they were talking about. "Apparently, she's been performing Shepherd's craniotomies. Bailey assisted her."

"No way?!" Maggie exclaimed. Arizona just stared at her ex-wife for her moment, then her eyes wandered toward Meredith who wanted to disappear in this second.

"She did."

Meredith stared at the orthopedic surgeon and gave her deadly stare. If looks could kill ...

"You are general surgeon." Maggie said, flabbergasted at what her sister has been doing. Saving someone's life while operating on a brain. This was so ... badass. Performing a surgery that wasn't her specialty as a lead surgeon. "How do you know how perform a craniotomy ..."

"... flawless craniotomy, I saw the whole thing as I was sitting in the gallery." Callie Torres interjected.

"Come on, Grey. You're supposed to be bragging about this."

 _I am not._

 _This just reminds me of Derek._

 _No, not every case can remind you of Derek. You can't get emotions get in the way of work._

"I almost went into neurosurgery, I spent most of my residency in neuro. But then I decided to go into general surgery. But this patient, I had no choice but to go in and relieve the pressure." Meredith explained.

* * *

 **They look different on all of us, but there are always five.**

 **Denial. Anger. Bargaining.**

 **Depression. Acceptance.** Goodbye; Meredith Grey, Lexie Grey, Mark Sloan, Alex Karev, Izzie Stevens, Derek Shepherd, Miranda Bailey, Owen Hunt, Arizona Robbins, Callie Torres, Cristina Yang, and Richard Webber

* * *

 _'I understand why you left.'_ That were Amelia's words.

Meredith still remembered them.

It has been a long day. Amelia and Meredith had worked together on a case, a tough case but in the end everything worked out. So that was good. She would ask Amelia later about what she meant with that ...


	3. Chapter 3

**Too Close P art 3**

* * *

In this moment, someone entered the OR, Meredith didn't bother to look up. "Meredith?" A voice asked. "What ..." She continued, baffled by what she was looking at. Meredith now did look up and in Amelia Shepherd's face. "They've told me you need me in this OR ..." She said.

Yeah, she did ask for consult _hours_ ago.

"But it seems like you've got it under control here." She said after stepping nearer and watching Meredith's precise moves with the instruments. It was clear that she studied under Derek. Perfectly clear. She had talent in neuro, so much was obvious and from what Amelia Shepherd heard was that she spent most of her residency in neuro. Amelia knew she didn't have to stand there and watch Meredith operating. She seemed fine on her own.

"I do, I have got this, Amelia." Meredith replied without looking up.

When Meredith and Bailey scrubbed out, the were greeted by an infuriated Owen Hunt who had been informed of what was happening in his OR. "Did I hear that correctly?" He asked, looking toward Meredith. Who looked at him. Why should she feel guilty? For saving a life? Doesn't that sound weird to you too? She saved a man's life. Why was everyone ... freaking out because of it. Yeah, liability and all ... But what the heck, the patient's alive, and stable. Not brain dead. Not like Derek. Damn it, why does everything remind her of Derek?

"Why the hell are you operating on this patient's brain without informing neuro?"

"If we hadn't the patient would have ended up brain dead for sure. And I don't want to be telling that to the family if we could have done something to prevent it. And just to be clear, we've informed neuro, haven't we, Bailey?" "She's right. Also, I don't it's appropriate for you to pull rank right now. You're stepping down, don't you, _Chief_?" Bailey added slyly.

 _Brain dead. Like Derek._

"We did but nobody else was available. I was the only one. I am not letting this man die just because the neuro consult needed one and half hour to get here. Because time matters. It can decide whether a patient lives or dies or ends up a vegetable." Meredith defended her actions.

Should she have let the patient die while waiting for neurosurgery to answer to page instead of performing a procedure that could end up saving him - she knew how to do a simple craniotomy ...

Derek had taught her. Among other things. Medical things but not only medical things.

"It was the right decision." Amelia cut in. "She is right. She did exactly what I would have done. She was me in there." She shot Meredith a look, smiled at her almost invisibly. Meredith waited for Owen to continue his rant but instead, he just shook his head and said resignedly: "Fine. I won't do anything if Ame ... if Dr. Shepherd agrees with your approach." Amelia tried to catch his gaze but failed. Owen turned around after saying that.

Without another word, Owen left, leaving Meredith and Bailey standing there, obviously confused. "So ..." Amelia looked over to Meredith. "Now you take Derek's place and steal my surgeries?" She joked (although that it wasn't funny, it had been an emergency). "Uh, no choice." Meredith replied.

"Okay, guys, I am leaving now." Dr. Bailey saw in this a chance to disappear.

"He would have ended up like ..." She didn't finish that sentence. But the case today ... it changed her. It was like she was Derek in there. Why did she leave neuro in the first place, oh yes, the trial but ... She wanted to operate on brains.

 _... like Derek._

Amelia only nodded.

Her sister in law did the right thing. Both of them went toward the attendings' lounge only to be greeted by a very loud conversation.

"You kicked ass, Meredith. You saved that guy's life. Derek would have been proud."

Meredith smiled faintly.

"Oh, have you heard?" Callie said smirking idiotically. Maggie was there too, and listening to the conversation. "No, I have not. What is it I haven't heard?" Maggie wanted to know what they were talking about. "Apparently, she's been performing Shepherd's craniotomies. Bailey assisted her." Callie shared the news.

"No way?!" Maggie exclaimed.

Arizona just stared at her ex-wife for her moment, then her eyes wandered toward Meredith who wanted to disappear in this second. Meredith stayed silent, she wasn't feeling the need to join their conversation about her operating on someone's brain. Right now, it felt like home, her operating on someone's brain. It felt right.

"She did."

Meredith stared at the orthopedic surgeon and gave her deadly stare. If looks could kill ...

"You are general surgeon." Maggie said, flabbergasted at what her sister has been doing. Saving someone's life while operating on a brain. This was so ... badass. Performing a surgery that wasn't her specialty as a lead surgeon. "How do you know how perform a craniotomy ..."

"... flawless craniotomy, I saw the whole thing as I was sitting in the gallery." Callie Torres interjected.

"Come on, Grey. You're supposed to be bragging about this."

 _I am not._

 _This just reminds me of Derek._

 _No, not every case can remind you of Derek. You can't get emotions get in the way of work._

"I am not supposed to be bragging. I did what I had to do, nonetheless but please could we move on? The on-call neurosurgeon wasn't available and I know how to perform a simple craniotomy. Don't make me repeat that for another time.

"I almost went into neurosurgery, I spent most of my residency in neuro. But then I decided to go into general surgery. But this patient, I had no choice but to go in and relieve the pressure." Meredith explained.

* * *

Meredith was checking up on her patient. She had performed the surgeries, she'd operated on this man's brain and that successfully. Derek would have been proud, or at least, that's what she likes to think. Everything looked good as did the ICP. Overnight, it had stayed in a normal range which was good. Suddenly, a shadow was hovering in the door. Meredith looked up only to see Richard standing there, leaning against it. Meredith frowned.

"Is there something I can do for you?" She asked.

Dr. Webber cleared his throat before attempting to speak.

"I don't think … this case might be hitting a little bit too close to home." Webber reasoned.

"Why's that?" Meredith asked stiffly.

She can handle trauma. She wasn't broken Meredith anymore. She was healing, trying to cope with what had happened to her. Everyone dies around her, everyone who has been … Lexie. Now Derek – it's like the universe is screwing with her. She can't do anything about that. But what she can do is trying as hell to save this man's life to tell the family that he survived.

"Memories can cloud judgment." He said.

"You're referring to me opening this patient's skull without consulting with neuro. This was the judgment call I made and I would do it again. I gonna tell you something: I paged neuro. I know the protocols. I know what they say. They say you should page neuro and wait for 'em." Meredith paused and shook her head.

"But his intracranial pressure was way too high. If we had waited any longer chances are he would have ended up exactly like Derek. I know how to do a simple craniotomy. I learned from the best. And my judgment is not clouded, I assuring you that I am fine. If that wasn't the case, every patient, every single patient would be reminding me of Derek. That he died a hero after saving all those people but died due to a brain bleed that went undiagnosed. But that doesn't make it hurt less."

"I just wanted to make sure …"

"That I am not in over my head? I am not. My husband is dead and I can't do anything about that but what I can do is save him to tell his family, his wife that he is alive. You're wasting my time. So don't say this Derek, it is not Derek." Meredith told him to back off.

This was not Derek.

She repeatedly told herself that it wasn't Derek.

This man has a chance to survive. So this is not Derek. She is fine on her own.

Webber looked at her for a moment.

"I need to go, get my kids from daycare after I speak with the family." Now she has to manage it all. On her own since Derek died. Meredith walked around Richard Webber. She knew he was just trying to help but this was like after Lexie's death when she saved a woman crushed under tons of metal, who had the same injuries as Lexie. This was quite similar with that, only that the situation was different. That Derek was the person she lost. Meredith walked over to the nurses' station. She leaned over the counter as she asked: "Have you contacted the family on my car crash patient?" Meredith wanted to know.

"Yeah, we've been able to track them down. They're waiting in the waiting room." The surgeon just nodded in reply and slowly made her way over to the waiting room.

She looked on her patient's chart and called the name of the family.

A brown-haired woman with two little kids, same age as Bailey and Zola, stood up from the chair she has been sitting in for the last few hours, hoping her husband would survive surgery.

Meredith was able to get control of her facial reactions. She can't keep doing this. Derek was gone. And her thinking about everything they won't get to do together won't do anything good. Remembering him is good but not comparing every trauma case she got with him and his injuries.

She needed to stop doing that.

"Mrs. Rogerson, I'm Dr. Grey. I am the surgeon on your husband's case."

"How is he? Is he alive? Is he …" She asked, trying to keep herself together for the kids' sake. Meredith knew that feeling, not being able to do anything. "He is alive. He's now in recovery but will be moved as soon as possible. Your husband's condition is stable. Now we just have to see if he makes it through the night. But for now it's looking good." A faint smile formed on the woman's face and before she knew it, the wife pulled her into a hug.

"Thank you so much." She murmured.

"Thank you." After she let go, Meredith asked: "Would you like to see him?" "Yeah, sure but what about the kids? I don't think they're allowed in the ICU, are they?"

"We have a social worker watching them so it won't be a problem." Meredith replied.

"Oh, okay. I guess that's … that should work." Meredith nodded when she got a page that they were ready to move him. "Is everything okay? Is it him?" The woman asked as she saw Meredith scanning her pager repeatedly. "I just got word that they are moving him to Neuro ICU."

"Neuro? Did he need brain surgery?" Shocked, the woman turned and covered her face with her hands, trying to wrap her mind around that. "He was bleeding into his brain so yes, he needed brain surgery in order to decrease his raised intracranial pressure. But your husband is okay now. We've repaired the damage to his head and abdomen and he is expected to make a full recovery. Would you like to see him now?" Meredith reminded the woman.

"Yeah, of course." Meredith led the woman to Neuro ICU.

A hand flew up to her mouth when she saw her husband lying there, unmoving and with a tube breathing for him. "You can sit next to him." Meredith offered quietly but the woman didn't pay attention to what she said.

Silently, Meredith turned and left the room, giving them the needed privacy.

* * *

"How is he doing?" Meredith suddenly heard Amelia's voice next to her. "Stable." Meredith answered. "I ... should have answered my page. But there was no chance that I ..." Meredith only nodded it reply. "No problem. I can handle simple emergency craniotomies on my own. I did my first one in my fourth year. Brain bleed due to thrombosis prophylaxis. Derek was occupied so he sent me to help Lexie. And that's when I did my first solo craniotomy." Meredith explained shortly. "I've noticed that from her movements you've quite spent the time in neurosurgery."

Meredith didn't reply to that. Instead, she said: "I am going home now. Are you off?"

Amelia shook her head. "I've got to work late."

"Figured." Meredith said.

 _'I understand why you left.'_ Those have been Amelia's exact words.

Meredith still remembered them. It has been a long day. Amelia and Meredith had worked together on a case, a tough case but in the end everything worked out. So that was good. She would ask Amelia later about what she meant with that ... Maybe she had been through a similar experience. But somehow Meredith had no idea what she could mean with that. She figured the kids were probably hungry so she was about to make dinner for them and her but then someone knocks onto the front door causing her to stop what she was doing. She wasn't awaiting visitors or something. Meredith frowned. Who could that be?

Amelia had a key, she wouldn't have to knock on the front door. She looked over to Zola who painted with crayons on a piece of paper, Bailey was in his high chair and Ellis was sleeping. They were all in the living room so Meredith could keep an eye on them. Also, she liked having company even if you can't have real, actual 'adult' conversations with little kids. Meredith went to the door to open it. But she didn't expect seeing the person she was seeing. Meredith's mouth was wide open. She was like frozen. She hasn't seen this woman since the funeral.

"Mrs. Shepherd?! You're here in Seattle?" Meredith exclaimed in surprise as she opened the door and saw Derek's mother standing there. That has taken her by surprise. For a moment she just stood there, not budging before she finally got to her senses and let Carolyn Shepherd in.

She stepped back so that Carolyn could come in and she could close the door so that the cold won't get into the house. "Meredith. I can call you Meredith, right?" She asked softly, her eyes focusing on Meredith.

"Of course you can." Meredith quickly answered.

"Amelia's still at work." She said as she moved over to the kitchen counter as she looked over to her mother in law.

"Call me Carolyn, dear." Derek and Amelia's mother told her. Their conversation was interrupted by Zola who sensed something was different. When she saw her grandma, she immediately recognized her as her grandma, her eyes lit up within seconds. "Nana." She squealed with joy.

She doesn't have the chance to spend time with her very often since she's living on the east coast.

"If that isn't Little Miss Zola …" Carolyn smiled widely as Zola ran over to her into her arms. In the next seconds she embraced a cheeringly smiling Zola who was happy that her Nana visited them out of the blue.

"I just thought I would come to visit you guys when the opportunity is there. I wanted to meet my granddaughter."

Carolyn beamed when she said that. Derek would live on in his kids.

That there was another little Grey-Shepherd was undescribably great. And she really wanted to help adjusting them to the new kind of life. She'd been there. She'd been in Meredith's place.

 _Derek's daughter. Whom he wanted._

 _But he would never get to know her. That was what hurt._

Carolyn smiled at her, knowing what Meredith is going through.

She never thought the same would happen to her daughter in law, to her son. Seems like the universe has its way of screwing with the Shepherds which is pure irony, cruel irony – they all knew that. She never wanted to pass that onto her daughter in law. She considers Meredith family even after what happened. It was not her fault. It was the driver's fault, and it was the doctors' fault whose had treated her son wrongfully.

* * *

 _Every kiss before the right kiss doesn't count anyway. I've kissed a lot of women. The first time I kissed my wife, well..._

 _I mean, she wasn't my wife then._

 _She was just this girl in a bar. And when we kissed, it... it was like..._

 _I gotta tell you, it was like I never kissed any other woman before. It was like the first kiss._

 _The right kiss._

Derek, Shepherd

* * *

 **One hour before Derek's death; Dillard Medical Hospital**

Somewhere, a phone was ringing. Meredith was sitting there on a chair with her kids sleeping. Zola was lying sleeping in her lap. She just stared straight ahead against the wall, trying to comprehend what was happening. It just seemed not real. Meredith couldn't think. This wasn't how it was supposed to end. But he's dead but not really dead. His brain was dead, his other organs worked. His organs still worked. His brain just wasn't working.

"Ma'am." The doctor, who has been one of the doctors treating her husband, was approaching her, holding some papers in his hands. She knew what kind of paper it was. It was a damned consent form for her to sign so that they can take him off of life support. Meredith turned her head. "I thought that this was a good time to … I might take a moment to explain how this all works." He told her-

Meredith just asked tiredly: "Where are the papers?"

"Mrs. Shepherd, there are some things you need to know. Some things we need to discuss. Difficult things." The doctor tried to tell her that. But Meredith replied with: "I'm a doctor. Dr. Grey. I am a surgeon just as my husband was. I know how it works. You've waited the requested hours and now you can officially declare him dead." She was looking straight at the doctor.

Who was to blame for Derek being braindead.

But she didn't. Derek was dead and her holding a grudge against his doctors wouldn't change that.

She knew that.

"Normally you'd talk to me about organ donation but by the looks of his chart there is not much left that works to donate. So, the ICU needs a bed. Those must be the papers. The papers you want me to sign to decide what to do with my husband." She breathed in deeply.

Zola was still sleeping in her lap and so was Bailey in his stroller. They didn't know what was happening in this moment, that their father's life just ended. Just like that he wasn't there anymore.

Then she continued, the doctor never said a word, she was listing off the options: "Now that he's dead but not really dead. Do I ship him off to a long-term care facility and cross our fingers and hope for fairytales and magic or do I pull the plug?" Meredith paused, seemingly calm, giving the doctor a play-by-play description of what he came there to do. The doctor hadn't had the guts to apologize. For Meredith, an apology wouldn't do anything. It wouldn't bring Derek or more Derek's brain back. If they had just done a CT, then she wouldn't be sitting here. Sorry was just a word without meaning.

He could only sit there and listen to her.

Meredith's heart felt like it was being ripped into little pieces.

She wanted to escape this nightmare but she couldn't - this was reality. "Stop all interventions, discontinue all routine monitoring, remove all the catheters and drains and tubes and any treatments that might provide comfort to the patient?"

Then she slowly said, her voice on the verge of breaking: "Terminating all life-sustaining measures and behave as any sane doctor would behave …" She swallowed hardly and when she continued her voice broke, she sounded like she was about to let go of her pain she was feeling.

"Does that about cover it, doctor?"

Meredith did her best not to show her emotions but this was hard. The hardest thing she'd ever done. She was not supposed to having to make that kind of decision. They were in for a lifetime. The lifetime they would never ever get.

"Is that what you want to talk to me about? While I sit here with my sleeping children you want to talk about killing my husband." She gritted out, her teeth clenched.

"Give me the papers." She demanded, her voice shaking.

"Ma'am." The doctor tried for another time, he didn't know what to do.

They had screwed up, big time screwed up. He should have listened to Edie when she suggested that they should get a head scan. After the doctor didn't budge, never made an attempt to give her the papers, Meredith did it herself.

" ** _GIVE ME THE DAMN PAPERS_**." Meredith shouted.

She couldn't control her emotions any longer. She didn't want Derek to suffer any longer. Even though he can't feel or hear anything. Furiously, Meredith grabbed the consent forms the doctor was holding. She reached for the ballpoint pen to sign where her signature was needed.

After she finished signing them, all the consent forms that she needed to sign to take Derek off of life support, she needed to leave this hospital. Just for a moment or two, she needed fresh air. A nurse was looking after her children. So she exited the hospital only to find the crying female doctor sitting on a bench. Meredith breathed in heavily. She needed to escape, to wake up. But here was nothing to wake up from.

Then the doctor stood up, wanting to leave but then turned around to Meredith.

"I'm so sorry."

Meredith turned around, barely able to listen to what she has to say. None of it matters. The love of her life is dead. He's dead and he will never see his children grow up. She looked at her shocked, not really caring then turning around to not have to face her. "I know that that's useless to you right now. But I am." Meredith sighed, closing her eyes for a second.

"He saved all those people and it was my job to save him and I failed. He's going to die 'cause I wasn't a good enough doctor to keep him alive."

Meredith inhaled deeply while listening.

There wasn't anything else left to do. Her husband was braindead. Because these people weren't properly trained to handle trauma. She couldn't help but think that it might turned out differently if the ambulance had taken him not this hospital but to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. Then he would be alive right now. Owen Hunt and April Kepner and all that work there know when to do a brain scan. They could have saved him if they brought him there.

Their best wouldn't live up to her best, Derek's best or any of the Grey Sloan staff's best ...

Meredith knew that.

Meredith shook her head, turning around, facing the doctor. "Yeah, you're right. You did fail, you weren't good enough. Do you know what tomorrow is? Friday. There are going to be more patients who come in to save them - someone's mother, someone's child, someone's husband. They need you to save them because they can't save themselves. So learn from this, better yourself and your will be better for next time."

"But what if I am not?" The doctor asked, sadness was in her voice as she learns a lesson from Meredith Grey. "You will be." Meredith answered.

"But how can you know that?"

"Because he was your one." Meredith exclaimed loudly.

"Every patient you are going to treat, you are going to see my husband's face and remember that he was the one that killed on your watch. He will haunt you, the hard ones always do and it only takes that one. One patient that'll make you work harder and better. Or they make you quit. But you don't get to waste what would have been the rest of my husband's life being a quitter."

Followed by: "Get back inside 'cause you are not saving any lives out here."

"I'm really …" The doctor began but Meredith turned around, to the bushes: "Yeah, I know."

Her telling her this didn't make this any better or easier. "I know." She sighed while the doctor entered the hospital again. Meredith just couldn't take it anymore. She can't be strong any longer. She felt bile rising up her throat and she felt the sudden urge to vomit. She threw up in the bushes.

She was breathing heavily, holding against the bush.

She was trying to catch her breath. Meredith closed her eyes for a second. She was alone here. They would unplug him him in one hour. The nurse had told her that.

* * *

Later, Meredith steps into her husband's hospital room. She swallowed hardly. This was it. The moment where it all ends. The nurse begins the procedure of taking Derek off all the machines keeping him alive. Meredith stops the nurse. She speaks to Derek, cupping his face with her hand. She wasn't really to let him go. "Derek. We'll be okay."

Honestly, she doubted that she'll be okay. She was sure she'll break down later when she's digested everything that happened to her and Derek, that Derek was dead.

"Just wait." Meredith suddenly interjected as the nurse continued to shut down all the monitors. She stops her as she wanted to remove the breathing tube. She wanted more time with Derek, she wanted a lifetime. But this, this wasn't a lifetime. She wanted to grow old with him, dying in his arms when she was hundred and one years old. But that wasn't going to happen.

Derek would be dead before her.

In fact, he would be dead in a few minutes. Meredith still couldn't believe how this can be happening. The love of her life was dying, right in front of her.

And there was nothing she could do to prevent that. Nobody could. Brain death is one of the things that are not reversible. Brain death is irreversible. He would never be coming back from this and she doubted that she'd be able to move on some day.

You could just hear the faint sounds coming from the ventilator. Other than that, it was perfectly quiet in Derek's hospital room. Meredith looked at his face, experiencing the worst day of her life. Derek was braindead. He would never come back. That was final.

Death was final.

Derek was never coming back. They wouldn't live happily ever after, they would never get a lifetime together since he died quite young. Everyone around her was dying. Lexie died. Mark died. And now Derek is also dying. He was being kept alive by machines. Would they discontinue these measures, he'd die. Meredith knew that for a fact. She had handled cases of these. Cases like people ending up braindead and their family deciding to withdraw care.

"Derek." Meredith whispered, her chest feeling tight as she looked at her husband. Her eyes were red and puffy from the crying over Derek.

But it was just his body. The Derek she knew was gone. All what makes Derek the one he was, is gone forever. He would never come back. He was dead just not really dead. He wasn't coming back this time. He was never coming back this time.

"Derek." She said his name for another time, assuring him it's okay. Just the vent was making noise. Meredith held his hand, it was cold. "It's okay." She told him in a soft voice, the doctor in her telling her that he didn't hear her but … "You go. You're going to be fine." Meredith whispered, she still couldn't believe it. She was gently stroking her husband's cheek to let him know she was there although he couldn't feel it.

Then she slowly stood up, as if being in trance, she laid her hand on his chest near where his heart was. The heart that would stop beating in a few seconds, then Derek would be dead.

Really dead. Not just braindead.

"Are you ready?" The nurse asked as she prepared to take him off of life support.

"No." Meredith answered. She wasn't ready to let him go, not yet. But she knew she had to. "But go ahead." She told the nurse. The nurse turned off the mechanical ventilator, the only thing that kept Derek's body alive, his heart beating. Without it, she knew he would stop being alive. But the state he was in also couldn't really considered as being alive. The Derek he was and whom she knew, was gone.

It made a noise when she shut it down. Next, she was extubating him. Meredith watched her doing it, her hand on Derek's chest. After she removed the tube, he took his last breath. With his wife holding her hand close to his heart, Dr. Derek Shepherd takes one final breath.

His heart stopped beating, Meredith couldn't feel it anymore.

At the same time, the cardiac monitor began to sound an alarm but the nurse quickly pressed a button and the screen went black. The nurse shuts down all medical monitors. She was glad that the piercing sound of the flatline wasn't there anymore. She didn't want to hear it. This was bad enough already. She then left the room, leaving Meredith with her dead husband and the love of her life.

In this moment, the life she knew no longer existed.

Meredith turned her gaze away, exhaling deeply. She hasn't really processed what had happened. It would probably take her months to really process it. The nurse then left her alone with her dead husband. Losing love was like organ damage, whoever invented this phrase has been right.

How can she do this? Being a single mother to two children and a dead husband?

What if she turns into her mother? Into Ellis Grey? She didn't want her children to experience the kind of childhood she experienced. She wanted them to have a father. But now, their father was dead. Really dead.

* * *

Meredith's gaze wandered to the crib where Ellis was sleeping soundly. Sometimes, she'd make some incoherent noises but she was out like a light and no noise could wake her up. Ellis Grey-Shepherd was an incredibly deep sleeper. Carolyn followed her gaze and looked back to Meredith. Meredith saw the question in Carolyn Shepherd's eyes. _'Can I hold her?'_ Meredith had a slight smile on her face as she went over to the crib and picked up baby Shepherd.

 _Of course you can. You're the baby's grandmother._

Ellis cooed as she felt her mother picking her up and waking her from sleep. The baby snuggled into her chest and was out within seconds. It's like she'd never been awake at all.

Meredith was amazed at the little human in her arm.

Yeah, probably she was biased but this was one child more to remember Derek with. She had felt her kicking, she'd been carrying her for the last nine months. She'd watched her grow. This was a tiny, little human - made of her and Derek. Derek had left something in her when he died and Meredith was more than glad about it although going through the pregnancy without anybody there when she needed *somebody* was very hard and not always easy. Doctor visits have been really hard. Most women had their husbands with them, supporting them. She didn't have anyone besides her kids.

But at least something good had come out of it. But it was also what had driven her to leave Seattle behind, to start new someplace else where nobody has ever heard of her.

Meredith was so lost in thoughts that she totally forgot that she wasn't alone here.

Only when Carolyn softly touched her arms, Meredith looked up. "Meredith, you okay?" She asked in a motherly way. Meredith only nodded before taking the final steps over to her mother-in-law.

"Let me indroduce you to Ellis Grey-Shepherd, born in San Diego." Carolyn couldn't believe that Derek had another child, her face lit up when she saw the baby's face. Meredith watched Carolyn Shepherd studying her granddaughter's face. She actually looked like Derek.

* * *

 **It's the nightmares that always seem to become reality.**

* * *

 _A/N: Thanks for reading. I just wanted to say that I am going to add some flashbacks from the year after Derek's death, I mean there hasn't really been much screentime with Meredith in 'She's leaving Home'._


End file.
